Hey, it's not like you're middle-aged and paunchy - you guys are only 21, 22, right? What are you so worried about? Just because you're universally despised in your neighborhood and seem to date a succession of losers and layabouts doesn't make you a spinster ... surely there's someone who didn't watch that one tremendous hit you were on.

It's hard to believe they're still airing reruns of that show. You two were such adorable babies! Not to detract from the uberchic boho look you sport today - it says you have money falling out of your ass and you're still a slob - so eloquently. That and the Rapunzel hair are so medieval dungeon chic.

You've managed to escape the whole child star curse for the most part, but I don't think you're out of the woods just yet, any more than this week's collections of losers and wannabes are. See what they've done, and count your blessings, my dears.

People published the most boringest wedding pictures ever, Ashlee and Pete (complete with inset photo of dealbreaker couple ass-grinding). How much of the $1.4 mil fee did Papa Joe have to share with Tony to get that money shot?

Also getting hitched this week, albeit with considerably less fanfare and no million-dollar-windfall was Jessica Alba and her itinerantly-employed babydaddy, Cash Warren. The two had a quick city hall ceremony with no witnesses or guests. Is she like ashamed of him or what?

Nowhere near marriage material news: Kate Hudson continued her own personal cock Olympics this week as she pole vaulted from the butterscotch arms of Owen Wilson to Lance "Two Would Get In the Way" Armstrong with barely enough time for a quick maid service before the new tenant moved in. The two have made the trip to Cannes to continue their love fest for all the world to see.

Also lovin' it up in Cannes was Lindsay Lohan, who was seen getting amorous with Samantha Ronsen at Diddy's boat party. The two were spotted nuzzling and holding hands all night. They obviously had a better night than Naomi Campbell, who was celebrating her birthday when she boarded Diddy's yacht, only to leave some time later in tears. (There's a long history of animosity between these two. Hell, there's a long history of animosity between Naomi and the whole freakin' world.) TMZ said that Diddy threw her off the boat but Page Six has a source alleging to be Diddy's friend who said Naomi was just overwhelmed at the emotional power of a reconciliation after all those years. I saw the pictures - that girl was definitely not happy; nor was Diddy smiling.

In 14-Year Itch news, Shania Twain's marital nemesis was revealed to be an employee and close family friend who has also left her respective spouse to be with Mutt Lange, Shania's husband, while Jodie Foster is said to be leaving her partner of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, for Cindy Mort, a producer/screenwriter she met on a movie set last year. Sadly, there are children involved in both breakups.

Another such breakup was averted when Tom Cruise caved to his wife Kate's insistence that she be allowed to travel to New York to appear on Broadway. When his underhanded attempts to undermine her confidence failed, he had no choice but to give his permission lest the rest of the world see the jackassery she's learned to live with on a daily basis.

Tom on his very worst day would never be anywhere near as vile and offensive as Charlie and Denise, who are dragging their divorce/custody thing on way too long and far too sordidly. Denise's new reality show, "It's Complicated", premiered this week, with a Boston Herald reviewer commenting that "Denise Richards' life is one steaming pile of pig poop." Charlie brought up the sperm donation email again, with Denise denying authorship, saying the last thing she wants is Charlie's "prostitute tranny-infested sperm".Denise says Charlie told her to go die of cancer like her mom did. And Lola and Sam can look forward to decades of psychotherapy as a result of all this nastiness. Oh, and Brooke, slapping a ring on his finger and gtting pregnant right away is probably not the best idea right now. These two are just getting warmed up, and there's no telling where the next load of infested sperm will land.

So go on and have a good cry - get it out of your system. When you're done let's head uptown - Lucky Nail has a two-for-one special this week only. Let's get you both some big girl hands to go with those six-inch heels.