You must be thinking that a lot lately. It's hard to believe how things have changed for you in the last few years. It was all golden, and now it's a bit ... cheaper, but it keeps those checks rolling in. At least you've got that, right? I mean, so what if everyone says she's the hotter one now? That's only because they don't know what you're capable of.

But everyone has their limits; even you. You've been hanging out with those frat boys and partying it up, but look where it got you - all sick and laid up. You've shamed your home state - what kind of Texan are you, can't drink a man under the table? You ever stop to think he's with you for your bank and not your rack? It's what they're saying - but that's not all they're saying. There's much more, and none of it is pretty.

Venerable news network CNN got a little egg on their face this week when their very own Richard Quest was busted in Central Park at 3:40 am with an unidentified male escort. When questioned, Richard freely admitted he was in possession of a small amount of crystal meth. When searched, however, cops found that Quest had a rope around his neck that was attached to his genitalia, and a "sex toy" in his boot. Quest's attorney worked out a deal with the court for him to get treatment in lieu of jail time, and his record will be expunged if he stays clean.

In other druggie news, Pete Doherty maxed out his credit with dealers behind bars before his first two weeks were up, and the word on the block was that he was due to suffer a serious "accident" (something about boiling water and sugar!). Prison officials moved Pete into protective isolation and did a locked down search, seizing lots of drugs and paraphernalia, something sure to further endear Pete to fellow inmates. Hang in there, Pete. You've only got three more months to go!

Amy Winehouse continued her non-stop party train to oblivion this week, even missing Blake Incarcerated's birthday - looks like the glass pipe is winning that war. Frustrated by her repeated delays and cancellations, her record company issues an edict: No new release until she cleans up her act. Uh-huh. Good luck with that.

In good news - at least for those who don't live in New York City - Foxy Brown was finally released from Rikers Island after serving eight months of her one-year sentence. As expected, Foxy blatted about being singled out for such punishment because of who she is, not because she violated probation repeatedly and continued to beat up any and all who displeased her, even after anger management therapy. I give her six months, tops, before she gets popped again.

In Blohan news, Michael Lohan finally shed his phony cloak of reformed media whore and started blabbing about Lindsay going to India in February for some missionary work. Lindsay's reps quickly shot the story down as untrue, and it appears to have caused a rift in their fledgling relationship. Lindsay expressed bewilderment at her dad's compulsive storytelling and takes solace in the comfort of her omnipresent "sober companion", Samantha Ronson. Yes, that same butchy little DJ who set her up for the world-famous passed-out-in-the-front-seat pictures. Good to see her around people who really care about her. Hey, anything's better than White Oprah.

The Smoking Gun released a lengthy report that R&B star Akon fabricated his gangster past. It turns out almost every claim he made about being in a car theft ring, or leader of a multi-state ring, is a bunch of marketing malarkey. Apparently street cred is a big thing in certain circles, but it shouldn't change the fact that his records sell.

Someone who is much more blatantly a poseur, tacky illusionist and lisper Criss Angel, had a little hissy fit at the Miss USA Pageant this week. When his behind-the-scenes machinations failed to help his girlfriend make the finals, he was said to have exploded in a fit of rage, screaming and threatening people. Oh, go take a bath you little vermin. Nobody likes you, and I bet your beauty queen girlfriend will dump you now that she realizes you're full of s**t.

One much more publicity-shy made a veiled entrance this week, as Nicole Kidman showed off a very slender baby bump at an event with husband Keith Urban. Nicole has claimed to have suffered "violent morning sickness", but all the same, that belly is rather small for six months. I hope she isn't starving herself to stay slim.

Her ex-husband, little Tommy Cruise, had another rough week, with Star Magazine claiming that Katie wants a trial separation and Tom will never let her take Suri. With Valkyrie being postponed yet again, it appears his career has stalled out, and his beloved Church took another serious hit from former member Jason Beghe, who said that "Scientology is destructive and a rip-off". Beghe should know. He spent 14 years and a ridiculous amount of money in Scientology only to realize he'd been had when he was in a serious car accident (something his church stature was supposed to protect him from). Jason's YouTube video about his Scientological experience may or may not still be available; church guns have been hitting the YouTubes pretty hard lately. That's all those celebrity donations hard at work.

Oh, don't pout like that, Sugar. If Daisy sees you, you know there'll be hell to pay. Just go mix some martinis and after a while it won't matter so much. You'll see.