Some say it's the blue eyes, but that's no big deal. Your sister's eyes are the same color and that doesn't save her from ugly, so why should it save you? You've got a nice physique, but you're only 27. Val Kilmer was still hot at your age, and look at him now. You know they're talking about what you really like. You can't ignore all those blind items forever. Even so, you still managed to rid yourself of yesterday's news, sending her to rehab while bagging the box office queen. I must have been seriously distracted to miss this, but just look at what you've left me to deal with.

Hayden Christensen is not proud of the Star Wars role that made him a star, alienating his few fans further. Christensen is another young actor rumored to be leading an alternate lifestyle behind a pretty little beard. This week the beard told an interviewer that she had to get drunk to film love scenes with him. Apparently it was much harder than shopping for housewares or lunching at the Ivy.

Kirstie Alley got fired by Jenny Craig for packing on the pounds again. While the church should be happy that she can devote more of her time to ranting against non-believers, they're counting on her monetary support that much more, and have ordered her to come up with her own diet program. Expect her to double in size by this time next year, all without drugs or counseling.

Christina Aguilera brought out her giant milk bags for a visit to Ellen this week. Two words, Christina: breast pump. That can't be comfortable. No wonder she flipped out and fired her PR people.

Christina's rage was a result of finding out Jennifer Lopez got $6 million for her baby pictures while Christina got only $1.5 million for her little Max. Jennifer also had her very own super plush birthing suite at the Long Island hospital where she gave birth, with staff running through emergency drills in the days before her arrival. Jordy may be a man missile in bed, but he can't pamper his woman like Skeletor can.

Nicolas Cage may not be a dognapper or drunk driver but he does seem to be creative with his tax deductions. The IRS is after him for a big chunk of change. Time for a sequel!

In a desperate attempt to keep financially solvent, Lindsay Lohan appeared almost naked in New York magazine. Her tepid homage to Marilyn Monroe didn't impress many but it did land her a paying gig in a movie with Jack Black. She still looks like a can of smashed assholes.

LA Police Chief William Bratton voiced his frustration with Hollywood's "airheads" who waste his department's resources "traipsing around" town with a caravan of paparazzi on their tails. He says what's needed is not new laws, but for these people to just stay home. That won't happen with the clubs paying celebs big bucks just to walk in the door.

Little Danielynn Birkhead earned a big check this week when Daddy let The Insider and ET film the riveting saga of her corrective eye surgery. Daddy says it's to educate the public that it wasn't because of Anna's "medications"; we all know he just had some bills due.

Speaking of bills due, you better run along before that hot new girlfriend of yours notices you missing. You haven't been getting such great roles lately; maybe it's time to settle down with a good earner.