You can't do this forever, you know. You just celebrated your 27th birthday this week; I've never seen such a sideshow D-list in my life. Last year's "It" girl would never have bent elbows with the likes of that animal's castoffs. I'd watch him around the drinks and food, and her around the coat room, if you know what I mean. I see you did your best to stay drunk as a skunk all week. Couldn't even be bothered to help your little brother out - that's pretty harsh. What did he ever do to you?

But that's not the worst of it. They know about the dogs, and somebody said something about the closets. Better hide everything and call that little orange publicist. He's worth his weight in gold, isn't he? I'm going to open the windows and see if I can air this place out while we wait.

Speaking of the animal, she's still making headlines, but not the same kind. Jamie Spears will continue to be conservator for his daughter Britney until at least March 10. For her part, Britney seems to be settling down after a few attempts to escape,. She took her mom shopping to shut her up until it was time for Lynne to get back to parenting her other, pregnant teenage daughter back in Louisiana, who is rumored to be partying up a storm in her absence. For her part, Lynne seemed reluctant to part with Britney's money after such a sweet reunion. Jamie did let Britney see Adnan a couple of times this week, most notably on Valentine's Day, so he seems to have passed muster. Not so for Osama Lufti, who tried to recruit Ahnold to rescue Britney and then orchestrated a far-fetched maneuver to wrest control of Britney in federal court, saying she's being kept prisoner in her own home. Kind of like what he was doing, but legally.

Heather Mills got her day in court, which stretched into an entire week because she just can't get enough attention. Heather hop-skipped into a sweet $108 million settlement from Sir Paul McCartney even after rumors of her deviant stump sex lifestyle surfaced. Paul vows to check under the skirt from now on.

Kirstie Alley gave up sensible eating for being a crazy church lady full-time. No one has a cow.

Lindsay Lohan continued paving her way to obscurity in as many ways as she could this week. She's back in the clubs with a vengeance, swigging vodka and champagne while in pursuit of Adrian Grenier and/or Leo DiCaprio, both of whom declined a chance to strap their rockets to her sockets. She brought her pap frenzy to Madeo's and irritated Clint Eastwood, who wasn't thinking of using her anyway. You'd think she would have learned from Georgia Rules and dinner with Anna that you just don't piss off the old guard.

Unless of course you are the old guard, then you can just >a href="http://prettyboring.com/?q=node/6996" target="blank" >say and do whatever you want.

Oh, dear. The downstairs maid is screaming again. Better get the others to calm her down while I bag the evidence. This is going to cost you in the long run. One way or the other.